The Gathering Storm (Wheel of Time)

Robert Jordan

  My second child was diagnosed with a learning disability in grade school. I forget the name of it now but I did a lot research on it and found it to be just a different learning style, one the school would not cater to. The school psychiatrist painted a grim picture saying he would probably never read well and blah blah blah.  The school also refused to give him extra help.  So I took him out of the public schools figuring I could do no worse as he was 2 1/2 grade levels behind and his self-esteem was plummeting.  It was breaking my heart.  For two years he stayed home with me and I taught him visually. We moved out of state at the point and the new school would give him IEP help.  Plus I held him back one grade so he would not be overwhelmed. He was spot on that grade level so I had done my job well.  He did good in the schools in Arizona but he did not enjoy reading which was a tragedy to me as we are a family of readers.  I bought every book I ran across that I thought would be interesting and nothing.  My daughter read them instead.

  Then he went on a visit to Alaska one Christmas. He stayed with friends we met at Burning Man and one of them was a teacher.  I called Christmas day to talk to him and I asked him if they had gotten him anything. "Yeah mom, books." He was disappointed.  The plane ride home was a long one and he ended up cracking one of the boos which happened to be science fantasy, something I hadn't thought of. He loved it and has not had his nose out of a book since. Boy I'd love to see that school psychiatrist some day and give him a talking to! 

  Anyway, this is one of the series my son and I followed. The author died in 2007 leaving the series unfinished. It was a terrible blow as it was one of our favorites.  One day this past month my son happened to be in the book store and here was a display of the new book. It appears the author left extensive notes and outlines for someone else to finish the series.  Joy!  So my son bought it, called me and I told him to bring it up for Christmas.  He is currently rereading the whole series before he starts this book but he still brought it up to me.  It's been a long time and but the pieces and characters are falling into place and I am enjoying the book.  I can't tell it's a different author and I'm going right through the book. Two more are coming.

Creative Whack Pack

Roger Von Oech

 While putting away some movies the kids dragged out while here I found this deck of cards my mom bought me.  I haven't looked at them in years and I remember them being a lot of fun.  Here's what the back of the box says:

 The Creative Whack Pack is a creativity tool. It will "whack" you out of habitual thought patterns and allow you to look at what you're doing in a fresh way.

  The Creative Whack Pack is a "creative thinking workshop in a box." It consists of 64 different strategies. Some highlight places to find new information. Some provide techniques to generate new ideas. Some lend decision-making advice. And some give you the "kick" you need to get your ideas into action.

  So I pulled a card and here is what I got, simplicity. It says, "editor: I like your book except for the ending."  Author: "What's wrong with the ending?" Editor: "it should be closer to the beginning." What can you edit out of a current project or idea to make it better? What can you stream-line? What can you simplify?

  Wow, there is a few things I could simplify in my life right now. Clutter in my room for one. It's piled up in here and I always feel lost in clutter, distracted, depressed.  When I cook, the kitchen has to be clean. At work, I clean my area after each client. Otherwise I start dropping things and getting frustrated when I can't find something.  I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders when things are clean and put away. I have a fresh start so today's agenda will be to simplify in here.

Things I’ve learned this past year:

  It’s very hard to get a start as a hairdresser here in Salt Lake. It takes at least two years to build a clientele I hear.  That’s twice as long as any where else I’ve been.

  I am an old ladies hairdresser. I don’t feel like I fit in with the younger crowd and sometimes even the people my own age. The old people and I get on well. They enjoy me and I really like being around them. I learn so much. People my own age or younger don’t get it and that’s ok because I don’t get them.  The best Christmas spirit I got this year was from these people I work on. Wishing them Merry Christmas came from the heart. They were happy with the wishes and returned it four fold.  It felt good.

  It’s absolutely fabulous having 4 seasons. I enjoy each season and none last long before moving to the next.  It’s beautiful.  It also reminds me of my grandmother’s saying, “This too shall pass.”  Every thing has its season.

  Flowers are a world of their own. A close looks reveals other worlds artistic and crazy.

  I understand why my mom was always so tired after our visits. The kids were here for a week at Christmas. I am so NOT used to all the commotion anymore.  When they left, I was on couch laid flat. My boyfriend thought I was already missing them and I told him, “No, I’m just freaking exhausted.”  And I was so I did nothing all that day.  My mom says, “It’s good to see them and it’s good to see them go.”  I told her about my little epiphany and she laughed.   I understand my mom a lot more as I get older.

  I have to go to the gym.  My body is made for the gym. (They wanted to turn me into a body builder when I was 20.) My bod has gone to hell and already with just 15 days at the gym I feel the difference. I will keep physically active from now on.

  Vitex rules. It has saved my moods and the sanity of those around me.

  Love grows with the right person. I love him more all the time even through the tough times.  I know we were meant to be together and we will survive no matter what.

  I’m gaining confidence driving on ice/snow. You can teach an old dog new tricks.

  This year is ending and I feel truly blessed. I have the love of my life; a nice place to live and job that fits me (finally).  My kids are all good kids.  My sister and mom are my best friends.  My dad is likes to remain in the background of all things but he is the best dad I’ve ever seen.  I think no one shall ever measure up.   My friends are truly my friends and I count them friends forever.  The only things left for me is travel and writing. Maybe that will be 2010.

Cheers 2009, well done.

Ski lift 1

I took the kids skiing for their Christmas present or snowboarding, their choice.  This is the first chair lift beginners go up after the bunny slope.  As we waited for my daughter I witnessed many pile ups off the lift.  They would stop the lift often and let people get untangled.  Start it again only to have it happen a few minutes later.  No wonder this lift takes forever.  I was thoroughly entertained and I think sometime this year I will sit on the bench and stay here taking pictures  for a few hours.  Then I will send them to my son to edit into some kind of movie.

So my daughter is due any minute and I get my camera out just knowing it's going to happen to her.  Sure enough, all four riders ended up on top of one another.  She wasn't sure if it was her fault or not but the picture shows it was not. She's in the black and blue.

Santa Him

Santa Me

  Me and my boyfriend out on a Santa crawl earlier this month.  It was not nearly as much fun as the Vegas one but it was all right. We hit one dance place and the rest of the time was Santa needs a drink.

Frost

We had a good frost a couple of weeks ago and I barely looked at the pictures this morning. I don't think we had a nice frost last year so this was new to me.

Frosty oak

I took lots of pictures of the frost on different plants but these two were my favorite.

playing dead

Dances With Snow

They were purposefully trying to knock snow out of the trees onto themselves.  You would think these guys came from Arizona or something.  I also see this one never fully growing up. Hail Peter Pan???

Ninja boy in snow

Then this one has looked ninja like all weekend while outside.  Indoors he decided he wanted to be blond.

Blondy boy

Then here is my scenic picture of the week...

Mill creek in winter

       A few weeks ago at our fog party I was invited to a solstice celebration of friends of my boyfriend. I told them I would come because I knew them to be super nice people and I wouldn’t mind getting to know them more.  I’ve celebrated this particular day in the past by myself but never with people. I thought it would be very interesting. 

  Come that day I started feeling anxious about it without naming the source of anxiety. There was part of me telling myself “don’t go” but I pushed myself on anyway. My boyfriend was doing his ski patrol bit and I would be there solo for awhile in a room full of people I don’t really know.  Do you see where this going yet? 

  The host and hostess were of course so very wonderful. They were preparing a big meal for everyone with him being the cook and showing off his yummy recipes.  I was one of the first to arrive so it was easy to talk.  The host was easy to understand and he naturally turned towards me to talk.  Other people started coming in and noise level picked up.  I did not want to dominate the host’s time so I grabbed my cell phone as a crutch and started texting some. I found a piece of paper on the table that outlined the ritual and read thru it.  I wondered how it would be performed and was thankful to have found it as I was clued in a bit more.

  I wandered the house looking at all the fascinating stuff and bumped into a lady near the crystal show case.  We started talking and I told her right off the bat about my hearing loss. She has a sister who is hard of hearing so we started talking. She suggested some body work might benefit my hearing.  I tried not to sound negative after all nothing is impossible if you believe and maybe I’m just too far into acceptance of hearing loss these days to believe.  Drumming started and I was having a hard time hearing so we wandered over to the circle forming in the living room.  I love drums so I’m happy to let go and listen to them although I have a hard time not dancing to them.  Others joined in with various instruments.

  Then the ritual started and it was informal. They were drumming a little as they talked about what they wanted in the circle.  I didn’t hear it but did finally understand the point as people near me started inviting so and so into the circle. I do not know if it was people alive who they wanted to help or people who have died. I was quiet and the irritation in my inability to hear started to build.  I tried stuffing it, letting go and just listening to the drums. People kept saying things I missed.  I focused on the drums.

  After that he let everyone go to make the pouch of our choice with various things to bring about our desires the coming year.  That was the paper I read so after the initial rush of others who had done this before I went in and started my own withdrawing to inside of me.  I finished and more people showed up. They had a smoking room upstairs where many people went to and in order to appear social I went also even though I don’t smoke.  So I didn’t smoke and I couldn’t hear.  Silly.  I went back downstairs and talked to the host about his recipes as made dinner ready. 

  Dinner was served. The rush came through the kitchen and the noise level went up.  I had my hearing aids in the whole time but sometimes hearing aids just can’t do it.  While eating dinner I silently wondered if I should just take my aids out so I could at least concentrate on the person next to me.  The problem was it was my boyfriends ex girlfriend and I don’t have a whole lot to say to her anyway.  Finally I see my boyfriend walking up the driveway in his long Santa hat I crocheted for him. I am so happy to see him.  He gets a plate and sits down next to me and concentrates on eating.  Soon everyone is done eating dinner and again everyone retreats upstairs for a smoke. Sigh. I hang around in the kitchen, text my mom a few times and take out my hearing aids because they not aiding me any way at the moment.  I go upstairs to be social but I am so eager to leave I can hardly stand it. The smoke room is darker now with lights dimmed. I can’t follow a thing and can’t pick up the topic so I go over to my boyfriend and lowering my voice next to his ear tell him, “I can’t hear I want to go home.”  I was near tears. He just got there so I tell him to stay and enjoy his friends. He asks me to stay and sits me down next to him.  He tries to repeat what others are saying but it’s just to hard to run a commentary all the time.  He’s able to let me go.

  We were in the kitchen saying our good-byes with me making the excuse I was so full from the good food I wanted to go home.  The lights dimmed while were talking there in the kitchen also which confirmed my decision to leave. If I can’t see I really can’t hear.  He walks me to my car. It was a long sloped icy driveway for which my cowboy boots had no traction.  He had to help me down and he said he would be home soon.  “No worries,” I insist, “stay and enjoy.”

  I came home to look at my email then watch football on the couch under a blanket.  Football is easy to watch because it’s all action and I don’t even need the captions.  I had a nice Paulo Coelho book I’ve been rereading so read that during commercials. Part of me was relieved to out of the pressure to hear and another part of me was lonely.

   Back at the party my boyfriend explained to the host I really went home because I couldn’t hear.  The host felt bad for me of course. My boyfriend explained the hopes of the new hearing aids I will be getting soon. We both have high hopes for these new aids even though we both know it will not give me back all my hearing. 

  I was glad I went and I am glad I pushed myself into going.  I would try again with that couple because they are so nice and understanding. I think people forget I can’t hear and I’m fairly good at faking it.  It is an invisible handicap.  I’ve got to keep pushing myself out there even if I get near tears at times.  I worked my way into the Vegas crowd some years ago and felt real comfortable so I can do it here.  Reading over the hearing holiday article I reposted here I see that I could have asked them to turn on the lights and they would have.  I could have reminded everyone I can’t hear well. I am part of the blame for isolating myself. 

  Then I had kids and found the joy of Christmas from the other side, as a parent.   It was so much fun when they were little.  I had to have a real Christmas tree, none of this fake stuff I grew up with.  I wanted lights outside and I had my nick knacks to put around the house.  When the kids got old enough I had to step back and let them decorate. We had a friend play Santa for us one year and let all the kids peak around the corner.  I let them open a present on Christmas Eve every year without argument.  Christmas morning I was the first one up as usual but kept to the cardinal rule of waiting until 6 to wake everyone else up.  My parents would even show up at my house to watch it all too with my mom enjoying it all once again too.  I would make coffee for us adults and set out morning munchies. Six o’clock rolled around and I would bounce down the hall to announce Santa had come!  It was so much fun watching their little faces light up as they opened presents one after another.  I even enjoyed the assembly of toys.  I just loved it.

  The kids became teenagers and the magic started to slip away. They were picky about what they wanted. It was hard to fill in the gap guessing what else might work.  Shopping became stressful.  I remember one particular Christmas when I couldn’t shop until days before, probably money issues. I was in a Wal-Mart with hundreds of other people.  I broke down crying in the middle of the store and swore I’d never wait that long again to shop.

  To spice up Christmas I did a “12 days of Christmas” where I gave them one present the 12 days up to Christmas with the last one being the best one on Christmas day.  The first year I did this was a hit and they were the envy of all their friends. The next year it was toned down a little and by the third year I did it I was struggling to find things they liked. 

  At that point I decided I was tired of shopping and tired of guessing. I announced a new sort of Christmas, one with very little presents but let’s go some where instead.   They picked Disneyland and for a few years we totally enjoyed this.  Then I got burnt out on Disneyland.  The last year we were all together I had learned to ski so I proposed taking them hours away to learn to ski/board. My daughter opted out saying it sounded too cold so I gave her cash. The boys and I went to the mountain and had a good time together.  My daughter later regretted not going but has made up for it since.

  The next year I moved here and had my Christmas without kids. It felt empty and I was blue.  My boyfriend picked up on it and found some pine boughs around the yard.  We made and decorated a wreath which I had never done before. It was fun to decorate something other than a tree.  My kids came up after Christmas and I took them all skiing/boarding.  This year we are doing the same. 

  Last year I had enough Christmas spirit in me to make some nice gifts for my friends and family; afghan, mirror pieces, a diary/book of our year together for my boyfriend.  This year I have nothing. I could not find the spirit in me. Christmas came fast and here I am days before with things I could do but really don’t feel like it.  Some friends of mine are broke and having a bad year due to the recession. I am barely catching up money wise enough to get my kids up the mountain and really have nothing else left except to cook a nice dinner Christmas eve.

 I feel no nothing this year.  I was talking to my sister last week who I had just gotten a Christmas card from.  I told her I was bah-humbug this year.  I could practically hear her doing a little jig on the other end of the phone while she laughed saying, “It’s about time you joined the ranks!” She is very much like my mom used to be about Christmas.  Now that our kids are grown my mom is out of Christmas again.  I laughed with my sister and played it up but some how it bothers me.  I don’t feel moved to do anything about it but it bothers me.  Maybe with grandkids, and I can wait, it will become more fun again and I’ll be back to my old self. 

  For now I have my boys up who just arrived today, girlfriend in tow because I didn’t have the heart to say no.   My ex and his friend are coming Thursday. My daughter and her boyfriend will be over for dinner that night. I will get everyone up the mountain and make dinner. That’s my gift this year I guess. It still feels so empty.

Christmas Spirit

  When I was kid we were allowed to open one present that was under the tree on Christmas Eve.  I usually picked a present my aunt sent me because she gave us the neatest gifts. This would build up the excitement in my into something I could barely contain.  That night I would sleep just long enough for my parents to get things under the tree and then I was up usually about 2 or 3 a.m.  My parents made a rule once I could tell time that I was not allowed to wake anyone else up until 6. For 3 hours I would quietly dash back and forth looking at all beautifully wrapped presents Santa left. My excitement bubbled out of me and when I could take it no longer I would wake up my sister to share the moment.  She would get up and run to the tree with me. We would whisper back and forth (it seems so long since I’ve heard whispers) and shake a few boxes.  One year there was a present out there too difficult to wrap. It was a big inner tube with canvas strapped around it to make a mini trampoline.  I jumped on took a few bounces choking on my giggles. Then I urged her on. I can still her in my mind. The living room was dark lit up only by Christmas lights left on in the window (this was the only night my dad left Christmas lights on all night). She had on a long night gown and with each bounce it would go up to her knees.  Her hair was so blond back then it was almost white and her shoulder length waves glowed. She had this huge smile on her face. She bounced off and we dashed back to my bed to crawl under the covers, get warm and whisper over the neat present Santa left which we hadn’t asked for at all.

  It’s amazing we never woke my parents. I now know they went to bed late and they drank the entire evening so they were basically passed out.  That was something I rarely did with my kids because a hangover is so much harder with kids. Here I was, this kid, who could just contain my energy and still bounced around especially on Christmas. I don’t know how they coped as well as they did those mornings. 

  Christmas came and went much the same way for many years. I learned there was no Santa Claus in fourth grade and I was crushed. The year after I knew there was no Santa I figured my parents had to have our gifts hidden in the house some where so I searched and found them in their closet.  There were two big trash bags in there with nothing to keep them closed except twist ties. My dad got home from work around 4:15. At 4:10 I was sitting in the easy chair watching cartoons and the thought hit me, “Oh crap! Dad is left handed!”  I ran into their bedroom and un-twisted the tie and re-did it left handed which took some thinking because I am right handed.  I ran back out and had just enough time to sit in the chair when my dad walked back in.  The rest of the month I continued to peak at my presents until I knew every last one.  I even showed my sister the trick so she could peak too. I woke up early as usual to peak at the presents under the tree but there was not as much excitement that time. It was difficult the next morning to act surprised opening each gift. I never again peaked at the presents hidden in the closet though my sister did for a few more years. 

  In my early teens my habit remained to wake up in the middle of the night to look under the tree. I only did it once and then would lay there awake the rest of the night waiting for 6 o’clock to come around. I might doze some but not for long. I let my sister sleep because we did not get along as well at that point in life.  I still woke everyone up at 6. 

  The year I was about 14 my mom became bah-humbug.   My sister was out some where and I asked my mom if we were going to open a present later that night. She had been drinking and a friend was over.  She made a big deal of telling me “no” so much so that I was embarrassed. I did try to argue with her telling her it was what we always did but she laughed and refused. I waited for my dad to come home because he was usually more understanding of these things. Instead he backed her up (like he did most of the time, he believed parents needed to be united in decisions).  I could tell he was not quite right with the decision but there was nothing I could do. My usual excitement fell flat and I slept through the night though I still woke up around 5 a.m.  That morning the mood still hung on and Christmas at home was blah.

  The next year my mom had quite drinking and was extremely bah-humbug.  I decided to spend Christmas out of town with my boyfriend and his family. It had to be merrier than at home.  It was as I found out through my sister later.  That year my mom refused to open her presents or join my dad and sister in the living room that morning. I was really glad I left and from then on I made it a habit to be else where on Christmas morning. When I was older and became friends with my mom I found she was suffering from low self-esteem and was depressed. She told me she felt like she deserved nothing.  We lived in a small town and when she quite drinking cold turkey that year she had no help. She waded through a few years of misery keeping to herself as she coped with what to do in life without alcohol.  She was anti-social and basically a bitch for a couple of years. I stayed away from my parents on Christmas until I was in my 20's and had my own kids. Christmas again had meaning and my mom had started to enjoy it.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Actually I skied for a lot more yesterday but damn my legs still hurt. My boyfriend found his buddies who ski fast and deep and I sent him off with them. I actually like skiing by myself because I don't have to work about holding him back and I can think more about my posture. I stopped often taking in the scenery or silence taking pictures now and then.  I had a very pleasant day skiing.  I also found out if I plugged in my music I paid less attention to the hurt in my legs and skied to the music instead.  By 3 I was done. I decided I had all winter, no sense in killing myself today.

ski resort views

all the pretty snow

A cloud was sticking to one of the mountain tops here.

Then the untracked snow looked so pretty sparkling in the sun.

And me and dead trees. The sky was so blue yesterday. It was just a great day to be out. I felt blessed.

dead tree

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Did I ever hurt. I could do only 2 full runs before my foot started cramping. My legs were already burning too thanks to going to the gym the last few days.  I had to take a break. I went out again and felt good skiing, my foot stopped cramping but my legs... owwwwwwwwwwwww! So there was another break. Then I went out again and got faster. I told him this was my last run as my legs had had it.  He decided this particular run which he knew wasn't groomed but thought it would be better than it was. I fell twice but thank goodness it was just powder. In trying to get up both of my legs disappeared into the snow. I was up to my hips in powder.  I'm sure I looked like a fish out of water trying to get out of that.

  When they are teaching kids to ski they tell them to keep their skies either "pizza" or "french fries" which is plow or keep the skies together. Well I used "pizza" most of the way down that run. He talked me down telling me which way to go.  It was interesting and I couldn't help but laugh even though it wasn't really what I had in mind for my last run. He took a picture of me right after we got on some groomed snow. I was still saying "owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Behind me is the run we just come out of.  And you can see the snow on my jacket from my tumble.

My first ski day of the season

Blue eyes

I think he has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen.  No snow on his jacket. :-)

I work today but we go skiing again tomorrow. Today after work I will go to the gym again. I am suddenly ambitious.