Nonya Business’ blog

  I was supposed to be moving to Utah the 18th of Sept. Last Monday I found out even tho I moved in Sept 18th last year, the rental company does not like uneven numbers so my official year is up Oct. 1.  I was pissed.  I am comtemplating ruining my credit over this company.  They have been the must unworkable people I've ever rented from.  They don't like to fix anything and they are so unreachable.  It's weird.  I lived in old worn out apts before here and I had better luck there. 

  So on with Monday.  I'm running around, I've got a list and I'm marking it off.  I'm feeling good.  Then about 3 pm I get a call from my daughter, "Um mom, Everett sort of crashed into someone."  ????  Of course first question is, "Is everyone ok?"  It's still a small enough town that I get there before the ambulance hauls off the lady he hit (neck and chest pains I later try to find how the other person is but the cops won't or can't tell me).  I have to go immediantly to my son who is crying screaming "Mom I fucked up" over and over again.  He is sitting on the 120 degree asphalt in the crook of his totalled car crying and pulling his hair.  There's no need to lecture or yell.  I hold him for about 10 min before he finally calms down.  Then I check on the other three kids in the car with him, my youngest son being one of them.  He's fine, he's almost calm. He was in the back seat.  The other kid who was in the back seat was calm too.  The kid who was in the front seat was shaking bad.  I hug on him for a bit.  Curiously, my daughter was in her own car and just happened to be not far behind my son when it happened.  She came up on the accident and pulled over.  It's chaos.  The cops keep coming over and telling my son "It's ok, it happens to many people.  Don't take it so hard."  This is the sensitive kid, the one who keeps track of how much money is being spent so he doesn't burden me.  The one who cried about breaking his new glasses some months back instead of crying cuz he busted his chin open.  It's just horrible.  Talking to my younger son just a bit ago, he tells me, "Mom, I think I know what happened."  What?  "The kid in the front seat was shooting rubber bands at everyone and Everett turned around to look in the backseat and that's when he crashed."  Ah.  Glad I already made a rule no other kids in the car from now on.  It is a distration and I have to wonder if California is on the right path after all.  Then again, almost every day I drive thru town and see rear end accidents.  This town has a speed limit of 45 mph with no right turn lanes.  I've heard the older people bitch about the speed limit being so high but now I see it in a new light.  Of course that was not my sons problem but even I have near misses now and then.

  Anyway, I held it together for four hours and finally broke down crying in private.  For me, for him, wishing I had someone to share it with...  then I was ok again.  Life goes on.  Yes this is hard but I have been in worse places.  I start fretting and move myself to the now again.  What is now?  What is right in front of me right now?  Breath deep, be calm and no worries on the what if's.  Take it an hour at a time.  We can deal with it. 

  Then my daughter moved to her dad's Friday.  I was teary-eyed all day but it when it came down to her leaving, no tears spilled over.  She took her cat (he's been with us for 6 years and I like this cat) and drove away.  And I haven't been able to talk to her all weekend for whatever reason.  That night I took the boys to eat and Everett decided to stay with his brother that night so I was alone.  I turned up music and attacked the house cleaning up the whole downstairs until I was sneezing from dust.  I took benedryl and passed out.  I woke up at 5 am, texted my boyfriend who happened to be up (6 am his time) and he called me back.  I got another text while talking to him half way thru and it was mom so I ended up calling my mom before 6 am too.  Then a friend.... everyone was up early Saturday.  How to feel alone with that?  More cleaning.  My sister came and she got the boys bunkbeds.  Her and her husband and boys stayed for awhile and when they left I was exhausted.  Today all cleaning is done, 2 meals were pre-cooked for Burning Man and then what?  Oh no, nothing left to do.  Loneliness set in.  So here I am at my ex's house, who is away for the weekend,  and talking to my younger son who wanted to stay by himself here.  I'm killing time, waiting to go back to the lonely house.  I'm taking the youngest with me this time cuz it's a school night.  My mom got one cat last Tuesday, my daughter left with hers and now my cat is freaking.  He's underfoot, he's on my lap and probably thinking, "Please keep me!!!"  He has no friends to play with and I guess that's good for me cuz i have no kids to play with.  Just call me the crazy cat lady now.  Now there's so much to do before I move.  It will go fast I'm sure but as I sit there more and more by myself, I'm all the more eager to leave.  The kids have their own lives.  I guess it's time for me to move on anyway.

  Oh and let's not forget that my 2nd ex husband came out of the closet a few weeks ago.  I've known for a long time.  I knew pretty much from the beginning but denial is not a river in Egypt.  He came up to me a year and a half ago and admitted two things, not quite gay but at least bi at the point.  Along with the money issue with his parents.  I finally decided I could be friends with him again after these admissions and slowly we became the good friends we were once again (and should have stayed with).  I told my older son he may come out while I was gone and I wanted him to help his brother when it happened.  No it happened that weekend while I was in Utah.  I was astounded.  That was fast!  Anyway Everett was floored.  I always talk openly with my kids and I know my daughter knew and I assumed he knew too.  I told him I thought he knew, I've been talking about it for awhile.  "No mom!  Whoosh!" he said with his flying over his head.  I laughed.  I told him not to ever tease his brother and to help him please.  My daughter thinks it great that the ex gets to be who needs to be finally.  Everett is easy going.  The youngest one was floored too when his dad told him but he loves and accepts his dad anyway.  Actually he started gay bashing in jr high which I think he learned from a friend.  Even tho I wasn't talking to his dad at the point and probably even hated his dad, I jumped all over his ass and explainded things to him.  I grew up with a guy who was gay and it's unavoidable most of the time.  So he backed up and never did it again.  No one should hate their dad.  And it's not his dad's fault.  His dad told his parents at 19 who did the "you're going straight to hell thing and the devil is coming after you" until he had so much anxiety built up that he flipped.  They locked him up in an institution for a few hours which of course shut him down.  Then they took him to a psychiatrist to 'fix' him.  So of couse he was going to live 'straight' after all that. Now this ex and I sit comfortably together and talk about anything.  He is helpful and more easy-going than he's ever been in life.  He texted me at one point before he told our son, "I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing."  I told him, "Yes!  For once in your life you are." 

  So how many people live this kind of adventerous life?  Kids leaving, kids crashing, ex coming out of the closet, moving to another state.... and I'm still sane.  I think.  I sure hope with all my might this next relationship lasts until death do us part.  I'm so tired in some ways.  I just want to settle down. 

  Once as a teenager I was down, probably cuz of a boyfriend but I can't remember for sure.  I must have been moping so my dad stopped me to ask me what was wrong.  Maybe I gave him a brief explanation or maybe I didn't but this is what he told me (and it's stayed with me every since).... he said, "Life is full of peaks and valleys.  Look at it like a chart, some times are up and some times are down.  Just think, this could be a peak!"  I immediately laughed and realized that things could indeed be worse. 

 (As a side note, I once told this story to my 2nd ex-husband who thought it was just awful.  "This... a peak???  That's so sad, then what have we got to look forward to?  I think this is terrible."  I never thought of it that way.  This made me question things a few times but I got back to believing my way.  I can't help it.  So chose which way to go yourself.) 

  After my last post I really started freaking.  "I gotta cancel this!  I gotta cancel that!  Should I get a second job?"  I got really drunk one night to forget and we all know that's only temporary but I had fun.  Smile.  I went back to freaking.  My boyfriend put up with this all so well.  My clients are all cutting back due to the economy and such also.  This is really going to force me to move early and this is NOT how I planned it.  I want to be independent and I wanted to slide right into moving to Utah and in with my boyfriend.  I don't want to be forced to.  Then I'm needy!  I'm dependent!  Freak, freak, freak.  Then one morning last week a weekly regular client who equals about $50 a month told me she was not going to come every week any more, gas is too much and she wants to go closer to home even tho I am only 20 minutes or less away but hey, it does add up and I understand since I am cutting corners too.  She will come for her colors, once a month, and her perms, once every 4 months to me however.  I was ready to cry, weekly clients are bread and butter.  I texted my boyfriend probably very upset, something like, "See!  This is what I'm worried about and why I'm so unsure of the economy and scared."  He came back with, "No worries, come when you want.  Everything happens for a reason so stop fighting it."  I was stalled in my panic.  Everything happens for a reason.  This sounds like something I would normally say to someone else, this is my own advice coming right back at me.  I quit panicking.  Business is still terrible except for a few days.  I have another weekly client cutting back because she got into one them funky adjustable loans for her house and had to refinance.  There goes another $50 a month when I'm already short.  Today talking to another 'snowbird' lady who did not go home as usual for the summer due to gas prices and she said that she talked to 3 of her friends (at least one of whom is probably a client of mine) who will NOT be coming down this winter.  They are staying home until gas prices get reasonable.  So through all this bad news, I am remaining calm.  Everything happens for a reason, don't fight it.  Do what I gotta do.  Trust in the universe.  Deep breath, believe and move on.  I will be moving up there probably this Sept and everythign else seems to be falling in place as well.  Destiny??? 

  I am so lucky with my boyfriend.  I can't believe his ex-girlfriend didn't treasure him and keep him.  He's a giver which creates some humorous situations since I am a giver too.  We each feel so guilty just receiving.  One night this last weekend I rubbed lotion on him.  Guys are guys and they never take care of their skin and he was complaining about how itchy he was so I offered to put lotion on.  Afterwords he offered to do the same for me.  I was surprised and could think of no reason to say no.  (This comes from massaging... I will do a little massage and it's my rules he has to take it easy afterwords so my massage doesn't go to waste.)  So I let him rub lotion on me too and just laid there crying.  It took every ounce of my being to accept it, relax, let him and enjoy it.  Tears just poured out the whole time.  I think I have written before about how much I cry when I go to leave him.  I can't help it, I don't know where it comes from since it hasn't been a part of my past history.  I just think of how much I will miss him.  Then he cries and I cry and gawd, we're both a mess.  My sister hates men who cry but it makes me feel closer to him.  I think, "Wow!  He's going to miss me too and it's not just me."  Often we stare into each others eyes and that's all we do is stare but so much communication goes on.  It's a part of our every night we are together and morning.  Sometimes he gets this smile and little laugh and just wiggles cuz he's so excited we are together.  Because he feels so lucky too.  What more could i ask for?  Someone who is happy with just me and he knows me all the way through?  Anyway, here is an example our communications; our emails this morn...

Me:

>   I will check that out.  :-)  I am learning lots from you. (referring to a mechanical situation)
>   This morning I was laying there in bed remembering laying there in your
> bed with you. One or two mornings you sort of woke me up cuddling up next to
> me, spooning, and I smiled and thought, "this feels so damn good and I love
> this man!"  It felt so good that the next day I thought I would lay there
> with you until you woke so you could get it too.  I miss you much and it
> will be so wonderful to wake up with you again here soon.  I savor those
> moments and that's what go on when we are apart.
> xoxo

Him:

I know the feeling!!!! At night we each flop around finding confortable sleep,  BUT... as morning approaches in the wee hours, I semi-consciously awaken and roll around until I find you to hold and spoon. So I DO KNOW that feeling well. AND YEs, I savor the hell out of it.  All of it, from where our head 's meet and I can breathe soft breaths on your neck, our torso's mesh sweetly and immaculately, our legs intertwine, and then our feet, I rub your foot bottom with my foot tops. It's all in the plan and it's all good.  And I often Think. Gawd, I love this WOMAN!! cuz I DO!!!!   

  I know we are extremely mushy and sorry but it works for us.  I have not had this level of communication before or this level or appreciation either.  We just gush mush in person too when alone.  Love is crazy I guess.   

  The economy is dragging me down, down, down.  I am paranoid over my finances so I sat down the other day and worked a budget.  I came out $100 ahead but felt I was forgetting something.  Last night I remembered, my taxes which is another $260 a month.  (I'm self employed and started having to pay taxes this year for the first time, no more earned income credit due to my son turning 17.  So I'm now paying taxes like every other American.)  So now what?

  I am a single mom.  I get child support.  I have two kids at home, one in his senior year at high school and the other attending college classes.  I have her pay me a small amount of rent (which her dad gives her, it was our idea of responsiblity and she is a good girl about it).  Last night I got out last years book and looked up June 07.  I made almost the same amount as this year.  Last year I lived in a cheaper place by about $100 but I had a car payment and a credit card payment.  I got slightly more child support then cuz she was still under 18.  Today I have no car payments, no credit cards.  I pay taxes and I picked up an insurance policy on me for the first time, $120 a month with a $5000 deductible so I don't use my insurance.  My only extras are cable and internet at $75.  I work 25 minutes away from home and gas is expensive.  Food is up.  Electricity went up 19% and just in time for a/c season.  I am going into my savings just to make basic now.  My business is slow, scarey slow.  People are going longer between haircuts and dropping haircolor.  We are all cutting corners now.  So should I get a second job?  I looked thru employment ads this morning, there's not much out there.  We're all struggling.  Being half deaf I have to watch noise level and I can honestly say I am no good on the phone which limits what I can do.  The economy is making it very difficult to live on my own.  I would love have someone move in and help but where would I put them?  My son has his room, my daughter has the couch and I have the other room.  So what to do, what to do?    Well as a start, next month I will drop cable and internet.  I can live without that tho I love my email.  I will probably keep an eye out for a second job.

  My other option is to move.  Arizona is a poor state, things are cheap at this end.  Whenever I hear prices of haircuts and such other places my jaw drops.  My boyfriend is wanting me to move in with him.  We have hit it off really well and it's become real.  My original plans were to stay here until my son graduates and then move up.  Now I'm not sure.  I am applying for my Utah cosmetology license now.  If I get it, I have it.  Maybe things will improve and I could stick with my plan of staying here and if not, then I can move and start again.  I just don't know.  October will bring some 'snowbirds' back and business should improve.  Then again, gas prices are keeping many people home.  It's so shakey right now.  My 2nd ex husband (not this sons dad) says he would take my older son and keep him for the school year if needed.  My daughter, I would like to see go to her dads but who knows.  I asked him to call me on Friday.  He called yesterday from work at some point while I was upstairs so I missed the call.  He said he'd call last night.  He never did.  She's not at all thrilled with going to her dads, something I hope to get to the bottom of when he does call.  My youngest son is staying with his dad all the time now anyway.  It's the bachelor pad and I can see the attraction for a 15 yr old.  He also chased his grandma away (pushing buttons) to the delight of his dad also. 

  I'm laying awake thinking about this all at night and waking up with it.  Today I did go walking and then swimming.  I'm trying to let it go cuz what else can I do at the moment?  Get thru the summer.  Why can't things be easy at the same time?  I have a great love, the kids are doing well but work is shit.  I had to get this all out so here it is.  Life goes on and it will.      

  You know, we are really having a great spring in the desert this year.  It's May 8 and I've only turned on my a/c once for an hour a few weeks back.  It went up to 95 today but that is spring here.  Usually we have two weeks of spring and two weeks of fall.  It seems to go from hot to cold (or vice versa) like a switch.  This year, spring is lingering.  It's so wonderful.  The top is still down on the Wrangler and I even wore a jacket to work earlier this week one morning.  Right now I am sitting at the computer with the windows and doors open.  The breeze is clacking the blinds behind me and it's probably like 80 in here but I'm loving it.  I'm comfortable.  This is great.  It makes me wonder if perhaps we might have a mild summer (as not not above 120 a whole lot).  Maybe it's because I'm getting old or maybe not but last summer seemed damn hot to me.  I remember looking at a thermometer in the shade and it was topped out at 130.  That was July 4th.  Of course the official records say no such thing.  Who wants to be known as the hottest spot of the nation?  It used to be people took pride in that fact when I was growing up down river.  Now they are afraid it will chase away tourists/boaters.  You'd think that would just draw more people here with the river being so cold.  (It stays about 65 degrees year round due to the dam letting out water from under the lake.) 

  Today I exercised and I wrote.  I plan to do more writing here soon.  Yea, two days this week so far.  Right now I'm shooting for 3 and when I hit that regularly I'll up it. 

  Last week was all recooperation and work so neither of my goals accomplished at all.  Bah.  At least it's still on my mind and I still want to get into it.  Start again today. 

  This last weekend HIS family was down at the river and asked me out.  I have such mixed feelings about it all.  Part of me wants to be done with that portion of my life, forget all together and move on.  Still I enjoy hanging with his sister.  His brother kept some distance the first night I was out there and then made more effort the next day.  He took me for a boat ride and talked to me.  He was cool about it.  I can not find fault with any of them except not inviting us to use the bbq the first night.  I brought food but didn't bring my own bbq.  I did the second night and then they invited us up. Everyone was friendly but I still do not feel like I belong in the crowd.  It's not the issue of their brothers suicide any more, it's just I'm different than they are.  They are more the LA crowd, hair and make-up done, don't get their hair wet and so on.  I'm there without having done my hair and a hat on.  They are all over weight and self conscience about it and I am what I am.  So they come out again in July and want me to come out.  I heard myself telling them I would when my other self is up there going, "what are saying!  You don't enjoy it, bow out."  Hmmm.  Hard to let go sometimes I guess. 

River me

There were way less emotions out there on the beach than I thought.  Everyone drinks all day and May 11th is the one year anniversary of HIS suicide.  At one point his sister was thinking about it but her sister-in-law yelled at her, "There will be no crying this weekend!"  And there wasn't that I know of.  They were even on the same beach they burried ashes in last summer.  Whew.   

  Other than that, my head is on straight again, I quit crying.  Time away is just opportunity to get other goals done.  Otherwise I would be distracted to all end.   

Us

  We met in Zion National Park last weekend.  We had a great time and it was all so easy.  I had to leave early Tuesday morn to make it back in time to rush to work.  Monday night I ended up crying for about two hours which is so very unlike me.  We are definitely future now.  Even tho I know he loves me and I love him and everything is set between us... I cry.  I look into his eyes and I can see that everything is going to be all right.  I see he believes in us and me... and I cry.  I think it's because I know how much I will miss him.  This crying... I mean I saw a husband off to Desert Storm in 1990 while pregnant and didn't shed a tear... and I can't say good-bye to this guy?  We'll be together again in 3 weeks which is good.  We didn't eat that night, we just laid in the dark and he let me cry.  He assures me of everything and I believe him.  He says he loves me true... "I know."  We're lucky.  "I know."  It's not for long and he's not going any where.  "I know"... and I cry and I know!  I've wondered about myself being such a weenie.  It must drive him crazy.  How does he handle it I ask him?  He runs himself ragged he confesses.  Then he cries!  Oh my gosh, I brought him down too.  I know some women, like my sister, who hates to see a man cry.  To me, it makes him more real and strangely enough, I feel less alone in the issue. 

  Ah, he is texting me and wants to talk.  Big grin.  Off I go.

 Within You Without You

The Beatles

(Harrison)
We were talking about the space between us all
And the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth, then it's far too late, when they pass away
We were talking about the love we all could share
When we find it, to try our best to hold it there with our love
With our love, we could save the world, if they only knew

We were talking about the love that's gone so cold
And the people who gain the world and lose their soul
They don't know, they can't see, are you one of them?

When you've seen beyond yourself then you may find
Peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come when you see we're all one
And life flows on within you and without you

  It was a weekend to finish up art projects.  I finished 3 of them.  Last week was so busy I didn't feel like leaving the house this weekend.  I finished a 4:20 clock for a friend... on 4-20 ironically.  I finished a mosiac mirror pieces clock... not too thrilled with that one to be honest.  Then I started and finished a mosicac mirror and here it is....

New mirror

I like this one and I'm keeping it.  I thought it looked sort of like a "splash" but I have had 3 people tell me it reminds them of a flower instead.  It is what it is to whoever says it, right?  I started this Saturday morning and I tell you, I get obsessed with it until all pieces are in place.  I have to force myself to leave it, to take breaks to eat or sleep.  I finished all the pieces Sunday morning with coffee.  Then all that was left was grouting and I'm getting better with that too.   The frame I did the weekend before.  I was trying to remove a sticker from the wood and it was stuck on so well, so long that I having a hard time removing it with a razor blade.  So here this nice new wood frame with gouges and knicks.  Argh!  So I beat the crap out of the whole frame and took knicks out else where.  After painting it... cool!  I like.  I was going to woodburn around the frame but I like this the way it is. 

  Not much writing done this weekend with the art project going on.  I was creating tho!  Today I will write.  I did get my excercise done tho... caught 4 days last week even with being busy. 

  Next weekend I will be in Zion with the boyfriend.  That is probably why I stayed home all weekend too, a rest in between, catch up cuz I know I'll wear myself out with him again.  It will probably a photography sort of weekend.   

  Wouldn't you know that as soon as I want to make good habits things will pick up at work.  It's been a busy week at work and right now I'm not sticking to any specific hours.  I need the work and I need the money so it's been long days.  Luckily full days too.  The problem is I don't feel like exercising when I get home late in the evening or early in the morn.  Writing hasn't been to bad, I've done a little every day but it's been different projects.

  Today there is a 4x4 run in the desert and I've been debating back and forth whether or not to go.  It's to some mines and it's a gorgeous day out.  Soon it will be too hot.  Still, it's another tank of gas, another $50 to fill it up with todays prices.  After a busy week I'm tired and I just want to stay home.  Back and forth, back and forth.  I'm staying home.  Next week I am going to meet my boyfriend in Zion National Park anyway, lots of outdoors there and of course I love the company.  Today I have no other person to ride with me and I'm 20 yrs younger than the people in the 4x4 club. 

  My boyfriend and I are doing well, except for the damn distance.  He was here a few weeks ago.  I even met his parents so that shows we're getting serious.  His family vs my family... what a difference.  It's like Meet the Parents and then Meet the Fockers.  His parents were very nice and I liked them both.  I now see that he gets much of his personality from his mom, she's such a sweetie.  They are both traditional kinds of people.  I went to sleep early and I guess his parents offered him a bed in another room.  He told them, "No thanks, we'll share the same bed."   ????  I told him I would have been pissed if slept else where.  They liked me well enough.  They are happy he has found someone. 

  That last night at his parents, I fell asleep hard and fast at first but woke up wide awake a few hours later.  I could not sleep and all I could think was how much I was going to miss him.  I was leaving for home the next morning and he was flying home later that day.  He woke up in the early a.m. and we ended up talking and me even crying.  We had such a good time together and I didn't want it to end.  He kept telling me he wasn't leaving me and he promised me he never would.  I knew he wasn't leaving me and that's not why I was crying.  I just want to keep going to sleep nestled in his shoulder, every night.  Still his promise was sweet and I calmed down.  I eventually drifted off to sleep.  Then next morning in the light, I was still sad.  He flipped me onto my back and looked down at me.  He says, "look in my eyes, what do you see?"  This goes back to when I went to his house in December.  I made him sit still (Mr. ADD) and look me directly in the eyes for as long as he could without talking.  His eyes were very wide, lots of white showing and all I saw was nervousness.  I could see that he was wondering what the hell he was going to do with me.  I laughed and told him.  This time, I looked into his eyes and all nervousness was gone.  In his blue-blue eyes, I saw love, admiration and hope for a future... no, not just hope but sureness of the future.   Damn, I wanted to cry again.  (What's with all the emotions?  I'm not usually like that.)  I'm glad I started that looking directly into eyes thing.  It forms this amazing bond.  And I think you see thoughts or at least feelings.  Or maybe feel thoughts??? 

  We had such a good time together this last time.  We went camping with a group of burner friends for the weekend and it was so incredibly nice to have someone of my own for once.  Usually I'm floating around, drifting here and there.  I have a good time of course but it was so much better to share it with someone else. With him being a burner longer than I have, I did not have to babysit.  I could do my thing and he could do this thing and we did it together.  I can't wait for Burning Man and actually sharing it with someone too.  In 6 yrs of going, I never had that before.   Every couple I have known has had their big argument there and I sort of expect that but it's gotta have more positive than negative. 

Smiling us

  Enough gushing.  Time to get on with my day.   

  I went to work at 8 a.m. and didn't leave until 7:30 p.m.  All I could do when I got home was eat (thank goodness my daughter cooked last night) while I checked my email.  I had my glass of wine and went directly to bed.  Crash!  To be truthful, it wasn't a total 11 hours of busy at work as there was an hour and a half gap in the afternoon.  It's not worth the gas and time to go home and come right back.  I took the opportunity to catch up my book work for the past few months. It was a prosperous day at work so I will excuse myself my goals yesterday. 

  Today I don't go in until 1 p.m.  My sister is coming in this evening and I will be there late again so I am going to meet my daily goals this morn.  Tomorrow is another busy day and I am thankful for the business.  I'll work any ol' hours right now.  I count my blessings that I am as busy as I am in todays world.